I’m Tired

Can I be honest for a sec? I’m tired. I’m not just tired; I’m exhausted, discouraged, battle-weary, and at times near hopeless. I’m tired of looking at my body and sighing, wondering if I’ll ever be happy when I look in the mirror. I’m tired of pushing away guys I meet online, because I’m terrified I’ll be a massive disappointment to them if we meet in person. I’m tired of being constantly afraid that I’m not good enough, and that all people see when they look at me is my weight. As the saying goes, I’m “sick and tired of being sick and tired.”

But can I tell you something else? Sometimes the fear wins out over the tiredness. Sometimes it seems easier not to know if my weight is what’s holding me back or if it’s, well, just me. The fear has always lived alongside the tiredness. What if it’s actually my personality that has kept me single? What if I lose all the weight and still struggle with feeling normal?

Most of all, I’m tired of hiding. I’m tired of this social-media life where everything has to be perfect to be posted. My social media generation tends to think we’re being social by being so connected, but it’s rare that I know what my friends are actually struggling with. So here I am. This is me, trying to break through the perfection, to show you the reality. The reality of how freaking hard it actually is to lose weight, to eat right, to train yourself to choose a healthy life over a life of ease and comfort.

I’m rambling, I know. It’s near midnight and I’m having serious thoughts of saving this as a draft and revisiting it tomorrow to put a hopeful spin on it. But wouldn’t that defeat the purpose? This is where I am now, and I know it’s where others are, as well. I hope this site can be a place of camaraderie and building up, of reality, and of hope. Good night, friends.

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